How Far We've Come
by TheAmericanPirate
Summary: just little stories about Fili and Kili in their youth what they went though growing up and how Dis and Thorin managed to raise them. A mix of funny and dark scenes. not in any real order. Khuzdul words sometimes used. Dwarf culture. hopefully updated often/daily/several times a day.
1. Fili, son of Dagur

Fili looked up at his uncle with big curious eyes; the 10 year old held his sleeping baby brother in his ap. The small blonde dwarrow was almost lost in the cushions, his brothers head on his lap snoring away. They had been outside since dawn hunting lizards and birds sometimes even catching them. Thorin kept a close eye on the little troublemakers while his sister was at the market buying food for dinner. "Uncle?" Fili asked quietly, his attention now on cleaning a dirt smudge of his brothers' perpetually dirty face. "Why don't me and Kili have a adad like the others?"

The air caught in Thorins throat and he gagged. He looked down to his nephew sadly. "It is not my place to tell you-"

"I have asked amad, but she will not tell me…" Fili brushed his fat little figure over his brothers' mouth whipping away a stream of drool. "She tells me she I am not old enough to understand…" Fili didn't like being lied to, and he didn't like being treated like a child, not in this way. He understood things.

"If that is what your mother has-"

"I know he's dead." Fili snapped at his uncle, though he immediately regretted taking the tone he did. His uncle was kind and doted on them both but would not tolerate disrespect. Fili flinched inwardly as he waited for Thorin to tell him to bite his tongue before he cut it out, not that he actually thought he really would.

However instead of a reprimand he received a pitiful stare. Fili looked up at his uncle waiting. "Your father is dead. If you know what than why are you asking?"

"Why did he die? No one will tell me…." Fili played with his brothers' hair, untangling the greasy black strands and tying them into neat braids.

_They are going to need a bath soon, _Thorin thought. "Your father died trying to give you a better home." He watched the young prince for a reaction.

"Why couldn't he have been happy here, then it could be me, Kili, amad, him, and you and we could all have been happy." He muttered angrily, much too angrily for a dwarrow his age. Thorin wanted to cry and hold his heir tight to his chest and tell him stories of his father and how he loved him, but he did not know any. Thorin had been absent for much of Dis' married life, as was normal, it would have been rude and strange and insulting to the husband if a brother remained close to his sister once she was under another males watch. Thorin had only known Dagur for a very short time, most of his courtship to his sister had been a secret. When they had marched on Khazad-dûm Dagur had been at his side though, proud and brave. He had refused to fall until an orc had severed his head almost clean off his body, arrows and spears protruded from his back and legs, and a great axe stuck in his shoulder.

"Your father was a brave Dwarf Fili. He wanted to protect you and give you the best chance he could." Thorin swallowed the lump in his throat. "He is in the halls of our fathers now, watching over us. He would want you to be strong, would he not? I do not think he would like you to dwell on his passing. He needs you to look after Kili and help him grow strong."

"Yes Uncle."


	2. The One Where Kili Poops

"I don't like it!" the small dark haired spawn of a Bolrog screamed and flailed in his arms. "I don't like it!"

"Kili it's not that bad!" Fili stood at Thorins feet as he stared up at his brother being held against his uncles chest. The lad's trousers were around his ankles and shirt ripped off long ago. He screamed and he cried as loudly as he could. Thorin should have known his sister would do this to him, while he loved her he did not respect her dismissal of her parental duties though he did not blame her. She had been raised a princess, learned in the ways of the fine arts and delicate words, she had never be taught nor expected to actually raise her children directly. If they were home in Erebor there would have been a small army of nurses to care for her children. He remembered when Fili had been born and had cried for hours before they realized why. Dis had not known she was expected to breast feed the child, for a royal like herself to do such a thing was unthank able for her. So Thorin should have guessed she would skip out on such a extravagant event as convincing Kili that the black hole they used as a toilet was not evil. He should know, he built it himself and silently held pride in his genius idea of laying the pipes at a slant so that with a bucket of water all evidence was washed away off the edge of a cliff.

"Kili! Durins Beard will you calm down! You are much too old for diapers!"

"I will pee in the woods! I will pee in the woods!" the child screamed. Fili seemed to agree with this as a acceptable answer.

"You will not pee in the woods!" Thorin held the screaming boy at arms length,"you will use this cursed latrine if I have to chain you to it!" he sat the child down and held him there.

Kili stared at his uncle defiantly, Thorin stared back. He had heard once from a friend at the forge who had children that his children reminded him of wargs, they could smell fear and would believe themselves dominate at the first sign of weakness. Fili stared at his brother and uncle. For twenty whole minutes they stared at each other like that. But not long before that Kili began to squirm in his uncles' grasp. "Let me go! I have to big potty!"

"Then you will do it here!" Thorin continued to hold him down on the wooded bench. "Khidu!"

"No! Go away!" Kili kicked his legs.

"Please Kili! Just go! You are being stupid!" Fili yelled at his brother. It was a warm day and they could be out playing, but instead he was indoors watching his uncle trying to get his Kili to poop. Fili hadn't even started puberty yet and he was already done with about 500% of his brother shit. No pun intended.

Apparently however Filis' angry voice had startled Kili so much he had clenched his whole body, there was a heavy thud and then all was silent. It was literally the most awkward yet relieving (again no pun) silence Thorin had ever experienced. For a moment he wondered if he had ever needed this much convincing to use the bathroom, Fili surely hadn't; the wonderful, darling older nephew who could poop on his own. Immediately however the silence was filled with screaming once more. "I DON'T LIKE IT!"

"Well it's too late now!" Thorin picked up the child and stood him on the floor. "Now clean your arse, empty the bucket, and then go out and refill it!" Thorin stared down at the child with his arms crossed. Fili looked up at his uncle and brother still wondering if this was really happening. Kili did as told but did not once break eye contact with his uncle. He lifted the empty bucket in his arms and cared it outside to the well. Thorin noticed only to late that the boy had left his trousers on the floor and was completely nude.

"Damn it Kili!"


	3. The First Diaper is the Hardest

This was unnatural. It was evil. It had to be the result of some dark magic or something, because nothing in this world could ever be as repulsive as what lay in front of him at this very moment. His sister had nearly fainted, bless her for trying the poor lamb and her husband was far away in another town working as a blacksmith for the spring and summer months, leaving the oldest son of Durin on diaper duty. Thorin growled to himself. He was a king to his people, a warrior, not a diaper changer! Nothing in his long life had ever prepared him for this. The cloth that had been tied around the waist of the child had once been white he was sure, but how was a sickening yellow brown. And the smell, it was in all words indescribable.

His only nephew lay before him, the young Fili. And the little muzm had the audacity to giggle and wave its arms happily like nothing was wrong in the world. Fili let out a loud squeal and grabbed at his uncle, he again let out a laugh. But Thorin couldn't be distracted all he saw was the evil spread all over the cloth and all over the child's lower half, and the more the child laughed and wiggled the farther it spread. Quickly making a decision Thorin lifted the child from the table and placed him in a bucket of luke warm water. With a cloth and a lot of will power Thorin cleaned the child, only gagging twice. Satisfied he held the child close to him and with a stick from the wood pile near the fireplace lifted the evil cloth and launched it out the window. He tore another rag from the large cloth they made diapers from, he guessed since it was the same fabric but he really had no idea and tried to tie it how Dis had had the previous one. He knew it had to done a certain way or it would just fall off the child, he stared down at the nude babe on the table, the daunting task occupying his mind he didn't notice the mischievous look take over Filis face. Only when a hot blast of liquid hit him in the face did he regret every decision that he had made that had led him to this point in his life. He didn't move, or breath, he just stood and waited with his eyes and mouth tightly closed until Fili was done.

He whipped his sleeve and slowly opened his eyes to the happiest child in existence, it squirmed and laughed and screamed like he had known exactly what he had done. He probably did. Thorin glared at the child. He had had enough. He tied the diaper the best he could and carried the child to its crib. He stared down at his nephew, only now realizing that the squirming, fat youngster was going to be his heir someday. "Mahal help us all." he walked out of the room to go wash himself. He hoped his sister got over her baby phobia soon, he couldn't handle this.


	4. Bath Night

"Thorin!" Dis called to her brother, he was outside chopping wood for the fire places. It was going to be cold that night and they had moved their beds out in front of the fire in the front room of the house. "Thorin!" his sister screeched. He was so glad she was coming to accept reality more these days; she was actually calling him all herself instead of sending her sons.

"What do you need?" he whipped his face clean of sweat, a chip of wood fell from his hair.

"I need you to bathe the boys, I have an afternoon tea date with Halldora." She turned from him, but then before going back indoors sniffed at the air. "And I would have you bathe as well brother. I will not be able to sleep tonight with the scent of wet bison poisoning the air." She waved her hand in front of her perfectly royal nose. A small voice in Thorins head told him to drive the axe he held into her skull, but he reminded himself that she was his sister and that he loved her.

The boys, 4 year old Kili and 9 year old Fili, had heard the word bath from their game on the rug in front of the fireplace that currently boiled the stew they were to have for dinner, and ran for it, hiding behind the locked door of their bedroom. Thorin continued to chop his pile of wood to only build another pile, just one much more manageable, until he saw his sister drift away from the house down the street to her friend Halldora, the wife of the local woodcarver. Once she was gone Thorin called the boys to carry the wood to a closet by the door (Dis didn't like the idea of disgusting things like bugs and mice coming in the house with the wood), he removed the stew from the fire and boiled several buckets of water and filled the tub while he had his nephews distracted. Once done they had quite forgotten the threat of a bath until Thorin scooped them both up and dropped them in the large tub of hot water. Kili screamed the second his skin hit water. Fili accepted his fate much more willingly, though held a hateful glare directed at Thorin.

"Your mothers' orders." Thorin muttered, he cringed as the smell of him penetrated his nose; maybe Dis was right about him. "We all need a bath."

"No bath!" Kili yelled.

"We had one last week!" Fili cried. "The old dwarrow that sells the fish says to many baths make a dwarf melt away! He says only elves bathe every day!" Fili glared at his uncle.

"I'm not making you bathe everyday now am I?" he pushed Kili down into the water as the child tried to run for it, where Thorin didn't know since he had locked the door behind them and the window didn't open far enough for a young fat dwarrow like Kili to fit through. "Besides your mother has ordered me to bathe as well…" Thorin frowned as the children in front of him laughed. He let out a chuckle as well, once again pushing Kili back into the water.

"Get in the tub!" Fili laughed. "It's only fair!"

Thorin laughed "I don't think we would all-"

"In the tub!" Kili laughed, realizing water made fun noises when he slapped is hands against the surface hard enough. Thorin gave in and pulled his tunic over his head, kicked off his boots, and dropped his trousers and fell into the iron tub along with his nephews. They all laughed as the water slushed around and spilled over the edges in large waves.

"Uncle you're too fat!" Fili laughed "You spilled all the water!"

"Uncle! You're so hairy!" Kili pointed out. "You look like a bear!" Kili of course had never seen a bear but had heard of them and they were often described as being covered in fur, much like his uncle. Thorin looked down at himself, he didn't think he was extensively hair for a dwarf, infact he felt he was a little under normal standards.

"Well you look like a drowned rat!" Thorin laughed. "Now come here Kili, so I can wash your hair." The youngest crawled over to his uncles lap and allowed him to soap and rinse his hair, though there was a great amount of crying since he forgot to close his eyes. Thorin had handed the soap to Fili, who was old enough to wash himself. The oldest styled his hair in strange shaped with the soap receiving laughs from his brother and uncle.

"Your turn uncle!" the boys climbed the tub and sat on the edge as they soaped their uncles' thick black hair. It took them quite a lot of time and more concentration than Kili had ever put into any task he had ever put his mind to. Fili found a comb and pulled the tangles from his uncles' mane while the younger violent tugged at the stands with his figures. Thorin bit his lip in pain. Eventually the torture ended and all three boys rinsed their bodies and hair of soap, dried themselves and dressed in clean tunics and leggings. By that time the stew was done, the house was warm, and it was already dark outside. Dis would be returning any moment to find the male members of her family clean, perfumed, and powdered to her liking, waiting for her to begin their meal and to fall asleep to Thorins stories.


	5. He likes it this way

"Please, in the name of Durin the Deathless himself, please eat." Thorin held a tiny spoon of chopped carrots to Kilis lips, which were welded shut. Sure now their closed, any other minute of the day and he's crying and laughing and running around and ,quite literally, picking up shit from the ground and eating it. How the child was still alive was a mystery to Thorin. "Just a little… "

"He doesn't want it! You'll make him cry uncle!" Fili told his uncle firmly. "And it's too big for him to eat!" Fili jumped off his chair and dragged it next to his brother.

"Go back to your dinner Fili" Thorin ordered, he had resorted to making funny faces at his year old nephew hoping to make him open his mouth.

"No." Fili defiantly climbed on his chair and held out his hand for the spoon. Thorin gave in and relieved the spoon to his heir. Fili instantly placed the spoon in his own mouth.

"What do you think you're doing boy! That's your baby brothers-" Thorin couldn't believe Fili would so openly steal food from the baby. But Fili held up a hand and mumbled to him to wait. He chewed the carrots for a few moments then let it roll off his tongue and back on to the spoon. Kili instantly giggled and opened his little mouth as wide as he could.

"You have to chew it for him first." Fili explained.

Thorin looked at the baby, so happily eating the food from his brothers' mouth. "Wouldn't it make more sence to just mash it with a knife or something?" Thorin was genuinely interested and a little discussed.

Fili shrugged. "He likes it better this way."


	6. Daughters of Durin Climb Cliffs

Kili ran in the door screaming, straight to him mother who was sitting by the fire knitting his new baby cousin a pair of socks for winter. The barely six year old dwarrow looked like he had seen a wraith, he was pale and teary eyes, there were scrapes and cuts on his knees and palms. He sobbed to him mother.

"Filis dead!" Kili screamed, "We fell down a hill and he's dead!"

Dis stared at her son in shock, she through down her knitting and ran to the door for her boots and coat. "Take me to him Kili, take me to where you fell." Kili grabbed his mother's soft hands in his bloody ones and dragged her down the street. She saw Balin sitting on his front porch smoking his pipe. She screamed to him as she ran by to get Thorin that Fili had fallen. She didn't stop though, she followed her youngest son as he used all his might to pull her past the gates, down a commonly used hunting path into the rocky hills, and to the edge of a cliff. Not a hill, a cliff. She threw herself to the ground and looked over the edge; she could see where they had both fallen, he eyes raced downwards to where she saw her oldest lying face down on the ground, half covered in gravel. She let out a cry.

"Is he dead Amad!" Kili cried. "I fell to! But not too far!" Kili shook his mother's shoulder.

"Wait here Kili! Call to the others when they come!"

"Where are you going amad?" Kili grabbed his mother's arm as she stood, removing her extra skirts and tightening her boots.

"I'm going to go get your brother." She pushed her youngest away from her and the cliff edge and slowly eased her way down. She dug her nails into the sandstone and burying her boots in the gravel below. More than a few times she slipped causing more dirt to cover her beloved Fili. Right before she reached him she heard the most beautiful sound. He heard Fili give out a cry. It was soft and quiet and muffled by the dirt but she heard it. She dropped down to the ledge where he lay and pulled him from the gravel.

"Amad! I see them! I see uncle! And he has friends!"

Dis wasn't listening to her youngest, she was brushing the dirt form her boys face, cleaning the blood with her sleeve and listening to his strong little heard beat heavily in his chest. She whispered to him in Khuzdul, she told him that she loved him and that he was everything to her. His eyes lifted a little.

"Amad...?" he cried out. "Amad!" he reached out and wrapped his arms around her. With a sob he asked, "Where is Kili."

She laughed as she held her son to her chest. She pushed their foreheads together lovingly, she felt his breath on her and it comforted her. "Kili is fine my little khuhij…" she loosened her grip on him and looked over his body. "Do you hurt?"

"Everywhere amad…" Fili wouldn't look her in the eye. It was obvious he felt bad about falling and feared he would be punished. Dis smiled lovingly down at her son. She pushed his golden hair out of his face and placed a kiss on his nose.

"You will turn me grey before my time I know it." she began to cry as she pulled a embroidered handkerchief out of her bodice and gave it a lick to clean the dirt form Filis face.

"Dis! Fili!" Thorins voice called out," where are they Kili?"

"Amad went over to! She's over the edge with Fili!" Kili screamed. Dis needed to have a talk with him about how to communicate better. Thorin let out a monstrous yell, there was a cloud of dust above them and a few pebbles bounced down and landed on Dis' legs. "Khazush! Khazush!"

"I am fine Thorin! So is Fili, just shaken." She smiled down at her son. "Your uncles going to pull us out, do you think you will be okay?" she asked. Fili smiled and nodded, stretching his limbs, wincing as the scrapped flesh rubbed against his clothing. Dirt and pebbles flowed down the cliff side and hit Dis in the back, Thorin slowly slid down one hand holding a rope.

He knelt down next to Dis, worry distorting his face. "Are you both alright?" he checked over their bodies, "Are you hurt? Sister?" he gazed upward to where several dwarrows held the other side of the rope. He had been so frightened when Balin had ran to him and told him what he had seen. Thorin had bolted to find his nephews and sister the second he had understood the message, with several dwarves form the forge on his tail. And when he had seen wee Kili standing alone on the path pacing back and forth sobbing and covered in dirt and blood he had feared the worst. Thorin kiss both their heads. "Do you have a good grip on him?" Thorin wrapped his arm around Dis.

"I can manage." Dis stood, her eleven year old boy in her arms clinging to her neck for dear life. Dis grabbed the rope and hauled herself and her son up the cliff face with no help needed from Thorin. She was a princess of Erebor and a dependent of Durin for Mahals sake, not some thin boned beardless elf lass; she could climb a little cliff.


	7. How To Scare A King

Thorin was a strong dwarrow he liked to think. He had seen things, horrible things; things that made most others he knew curl in on themselves and openly weep. He had cut orcs and goblin from gizzard to gut without a second thought, he had washed chunks of Dwarrow flesh from his hair and he had carried his fathers decapitated head to his body and never once had he found himself as stunned as he felt right now. "I shouldn't be here…" he muttered, "This is no place for dwarrows…"

Dis was sitting on a bed with her husband Dagur holding her from behind as tightly as he could; she was gripping his hand so tightly Thorin feared it would break, and the screaming. Dis was a one Dwarrowdam battle field. She screamed and cursed and cried; and all Thorin could do was stand awkwardly off to the side of the healers holding a clean blanket for his new niece or nephew as he gazed into parts of his sister he never wished to gaze into. "It's time to push." One of the healers told her. Thorin just stared wide eyed as his sister screamed harder than before, her face was red and her eyes bulged. The insides of her thighs were smeared a light red and…. Thorin closed his eyes. He couldn't handle this, childbirth was terrifying.

"Don't you dare close your eyes brother!" Dis screamed," you will watch as I bring your heir into the world!" Thorin forced himself to open his eyes, he could see… something. Something light purple colored making its way out of his sisters… Thorin averted his eyes.

Dagur chuckled at Thorin. "Thinking of getting married and having children yourself?" Thorin hated the Dwarrow his sister had married. And right now he wanted to rip his head off, how could he be so calm at a time like this! He was kneeling behind Dis, his arms wrapped around he holding her up and letting her push back against him; and he was smiling. That bastard was smiling, he was having the time of his life and Thorin could hardly stand.

"Push! Azbadu men you can do this! Make your mothers proud!" the healer went to reach into her to help pull the child out. Dis screamed in agony and out tumbled a large purple lump covered in slime and blood. The healer gave it a almighty smack and it gave the loudest little battle cry Thorin had ever heard, not that he had ever had much contact with children, but they had been more common when they were living in Erebor. He held out the blanket and the healer bundled up the child.

"A boy" he whispered, "a strong boy." He smiled," just listen to that little lion roar."

Thorin felt his face crack open a smile. He walked carefully over to his exhausted sister and brother by marriage. He handed the baby to Dagur with a nod of congratulations. "Hello there little Fili." Dis whispered to her new son, though she made no attempt to hold him. The healer smiled and left after Dis had cleared the after birth, which Thorin found disgusting, he had some... liquid… on the bottom of his boots and it clung there. The baby hadn't stopped crying, and wouldn't stop crying until the next night when the healer returned and told Dis she had to breast feed the child, not feed him minced pies.


	8. My Baby Has A Beard part 1

Fili sat in his room gazing into the small looking glass his mother owned. She usually kept it safe in her room but he had taken in without her knowledge for his own use. Fili was feeling particularly vein today, though vanity was a common curse among dwarrows. He gazed at his own reflection dark sun kissed skin, honey colored hair, and a small spray of whiskers poking out from him chin. They had appeared the night before and ever since then he couldn't stop smiling. Kili hadn't noticed, though he rarely noticed things in the morning, and Fili had yet to go show his mother or uncle. He wanted this time to admire himself, in his own mind he was already a fully grown dwarrow, with a beard as long as he was tall and as thick as wolf fur. He rubbed his jaw lovingly feeling the needle pricks below his figure tips.

"Fili, what are you doing with my looking glass?" his mother was at the door, looking oddly at her child. He was a still only a baby in her eyes, a few months past his 16th birthday, but he had grown quickly, and Mahal knows he was a spitting image of his father.

Fili looked sheepish at getting caught. "I'm am sorry amad…. I just…" he grinned widely, "I was just looking at my beard!"

Dis' hands shot up to her mouth with a small squeal of delight, she rushed forward and dropped to her knees in front of her oldest son. She took the mirror from him and held his face in his hands, lifting his chin she saw the bristly blonde hairs poking through. Only on his chin for now, but maybe even by tomorrow it would start to grow along his jaw, over his cheeks and over his lip. Her little baby was growing up! She pulled Fili into a tight hug. "Your uncle is going to be so excited!" she covered his face in big wet kisses.

"Amad! Stop, stop it!" Fili laughed.

"My beautiful, beautiful boy!" she happily coed holding her tight against her breast. "I'm going to make you a big breakfast! Would you like that?" she beamed at him happily.

"Why does he get a big breakfast?" asked a high pitched voice from the door. It was little Kili, he was eleven years old but still so small, his head hardly reached above his mother's waist, and he still had a few layers of baby fat yet to shed. Fili thought he resembled a large fat mouse.

"Your brothers' beard has started to grow!" Dis laughed. "Come see!" Kili stepped forward awkwardly, looking at his brothers' chin.

"Looks the same to me…" Kili really didn't see anything out of the ordinary, just his brothers' chin.

"Well it's there." Fili dropped his head, tired of showing off his chin. Dis grabbed her sons hand and dragged him to the kitchen, leaving the youngest alone in the bedroom the boys shared. He had been looking for Fili so they could go play Dwarrows and Orcs but apparently that wasn't going to happen now since Fili was going to get breakfast made for him. Kili shuffled out of the room, he had already eaten that morning, a big bowl of cold meal, nothing like the meat and eggs he smelled already cooking. He felt a little jealous.

Kili walked out to the kitchen and sat in his chair at the table, he had a large plank of wood on the seat so he could reach he plate, next to Fili who was shoveling down eggs and bacon faster than his mother could drop them on his plate. Kili could smell potatoes. He glared at Fili. "Do you want to go play Dwarrows and Orcs later… I can be the orc this time…"

Fili went to answer but his mouth was to full. "Don't talk with your mouth full ghivashel." Dis smiled down at her son, piling fried potatoes and two more eggs on his plate, she planted a kiss on the top of his head lovingly, Fili leaned in to her touch with the biggest smile on his face as he chewed his food. Kili growled, whenever he spoke with food in his mouth he usually got a smack to the back of the head. The youngster reached out to snag a large cut of bacon from his brother's plate, but quickly pulled it back as his mother gave his hand a hard whack with a wooden spoon.

"Hands off Kili, that's your brothers breakfast, you've already eaten." She gave the smaller child a glare. "Today is his special day." She looked dreamily down at her oldest. "Actually why don't you make your self useful and take this to the forge for your uncle and the other workers." He lifted a heavy basket off the counter. She kneeled down besides Kili as he jumped off his seat to take the basket. At least he got to go see Thorin, Fili would have to stay here with their mother and help clean up.

Dis placed a note in the basket," and make sure Thorin reads this immediately." She gave Kili a hard glance then stood. "Me and your brother will probably be gone by the time your back, so don't feel pressed to come straight home. I'm going to take your brother to the market." She smiled again at her oldest, and apparently favorite. Kili glared, if he wasn't terrified of being beaten half to death he would have through the basket on the ground, ripped up the note, and told his mother to go breed with an orc. But since he valued his life, he kept his mouth tightly closed. He took the basket from her and angrily ran out of the house without a second glance from his brother.

Kili made his way to the forges where his uncle worked, technically Kili was too young to even be within spitting distance of a forge and under normal circumstances kept his distance, but he bravely walked straight into the sweltering room and weaved his way to his uncle's anvil which was on the far left. His uncle was hammering the kinks out of a large broad sword when he saw his youngest nephew dragging a basket dangerously close to the large fire pit. "Kili what in Durins name are you doing!" Thorin yelled as he finished up his sword and dropped it in a barrel of water.

"Amad sent me…" Kili muttered. She dropped the basket at Thorins feet and pulled the note from the basket. He held it up to his uncle. Other dwarrows, including Dwalin, began to circle the two, eyeing the basket hungrily. Thorin read over the note, a smile grew on his face the farther he read.

"Dwalin!" Thorin called out to his closest friend and cousin. The giant dwarrow was at his side not seconds later. "Dis has sent us some bread and cheese, share it would you?" Thorin passed Dwalin the basket.

"Whatever for?" asked a dwarrow behind Kili.

"My oldest nephew has just begun to grow his beard!" Thorin laughed. "It is scary how fast they grow! Where is my sister and Fili, Kili?"

"Amad took Fili to the market…" Kili grumbled. He kicked at the dirt below his feet.

"No sad faces no, wee lad!" called Dwalin. "Your big brother is turning into a fully grown dwarrow! Soon he will have a hammer in his hands, a woman on each arm, and a fire in his belly!" the older balding dwarrow laughed with the others as he passed out the cheese and bread.

"Don't be so vulgar about my nephew!" Thorin called out, though no one took it to seriously. Kili didn't get why there were all so excited about a few little hairs, and he felt himself getting angrier and angrier by the second. Thorin called out to the dwarrows telling them to close down the forge for the day, he wished to visit his sister and nephew. Kili held the remaining bread and cheese as he shadowed Thorin around trying to stay out of the way. He didn't like how Fili got all the attention. He was the baby of the family, he was the cute one who took after the Durin line, he was the one with the sharp eyes and he was the one who was the favorite. Or at least he had thought. His brother was always so reserved arounf their family and was always treated as if he was older than he was, he didn't get fancy breakfasts and kisses and trips to the market, that's what Kili go. He wasn't used to being forced to run errands and being ignored. Kili returned to their house hours later after the forge had been closed and cleaned out. Thorin had practically ran there, he held a long cloth wrapped package under his arm. Kili sprinted to keep up, dragging the empty basket behind him.

"Wait for me uncle!" he called without reply," Uncle!" he cried out.

Thorin walked straight through the door of their home with a smile on his face, Dis was sitting with Fili at the table, there were a few relatives surrounding him, most Thorins cousins and their mothers gossip friends. Fili was dressed in new clothes with new boots, his hair was washed and braided with beautiful red beads and stones threaded in, a rather large hunting knife was strapped to his thigh and he was surrounded by gifts and food. The adults all had their attention on him as he opened the packages one by one. Brand new toy soldiers, blankets, sweets, expensive jewelry, and a shield with the Durin crest covered the table. Kili stared wide eyed at the scene in front of him. Fili smiled at his brother and called him over to see his presents. But the younger simply snorted, dropped the basket on the floor and stomped into their room.

Fili watched his brother go sadly, he knew why he was upset but Fili wasn't going to refuse the attention because his brother was a little jealous. His uncle pulled a chair forward with a smile and sat opposite Fili. "Let me see them boy…" he lifted Filis jaw and felt at the hairs, there were even more than there had been that morning he was told later.

Fili smiled up at his uncle. "Look uncle! Look at what Amad bought me!" he pulled out the hunting knife. "Now I can go hunting with you!"

"Aye you can!" Thorin ruffled his hair.

"Thorin! Could you not!" Dis fussed over Fili fixing his golden locks. "What have you got there?" she pointed to the cloth package.

"A gift." Thorin pulled out the package and handed it to Kili. "Now you are too young to use these now, but you will grow fast and learn to use them." He carefully removed his hand from the package. "There are very important to me Fili, and to your mother."

"Thorin… you didn't…" Dis covered her mouth as she saw what was wrapped underneath. Two twin swords. They were thick and heavy; Fili stood and tried to wield one in each hand but couldn't lift his arms above the waist.

"They are heavy uncle." Fili placed them on the table on the cloth. He felt over them, they were engraved in Khuzdul, the hilts were smooth, like they had been used for years.

"They are made for a dwarrow twice your size little one." Throin smiled. "These belonged to my younger brother Ferin…" he felt over the blades. "He was a brave warrior just like you, and he would be very proud to see you growing so quickly."

Fili felt his mother behind him, she was running her hands through his hair softly. '_wow_' he thought 'a _real warriors blades…_' Fili couldn't move he was so in shock as he stared at the gift. "thank you uncle. I will take good care of them." He smiled.

Kili watched from the bedroom angrily. He gritted his teeth together. He hated him! He hated his brother!


	9. But My Other Does Not part 2

It had been almost two weeks since Filis beard had grown and the doting in the attention had only just begun to stop, though his small beard had spread along his jaw line and was no extremely noticeable, Kili had heard Thorin advise Fili to keep it trimmed and short till he was able to grow a proper beard and mustache. Fili had taken to running his hand through the short hairs whenever Kili spoke to him, Kili doubted it was to tease him but he hated his brother for doing it all the same. It wasn't fair that he was so young and had to wait, his brother grew so fast while adults still coddled him like a newborn. He enjoyed being the baby of the family, not being a baby.

"Would you stop that?" Kili growled. The hair on his brothers' face had grown so long even Kili couldn't ignore it anymore. They were both at their studies via Thorins orders, Fili was learning the family tree and everyone's roles in a kingdom, Kili had a book on how to tie knots. It was obvious who the favorite child was now.

"Doing what?" Fili looked up innocently from his book.

"Touching your face… like some old wise man!" Kili sneered," It's distracting."

"Sorry." Fili mumbled. His eyes fell back to the pictures in the book. Balin would arrive later and test his knowledge, this was only his first day trying to memorize all the names and wasn't expected to know past his great grandfather, on his mother's side, or further than his second cousins but he was determined to at least know all the names of his grandfathers all the way to Durin the Deathless. But he could feel unease in the room, Kili had hardly spoken a word to him in the days past and he didn't like fighting with his brother. "May I ask you something Kili?"

"I know you're going to anyway…" the younger, who was lying on his stomach near the fire, snapped.

"Why do you hate me so?" Fili marked his page with an owl feather and closed his book, Thrain I could wait… since he had been dead for 685 years. He walked over to his brothers' side and sat by him, peaking at his book of knots. Fili remembered studying that book when he had been Kilis age. He quickly made a plan to purchase length of rope the next time he could so he could practice his knots with his little brother.

"I don't hate you brother. Leave me to my studies." Kili growled.

"Since when do you refuse to be distracted from lessons?" Fili laughed. He put his hand on Kilis back. "Brother please…"

"Get away from me." Kilis voice was bitter. Fili had never heard his brother use such a tone, especially with him. "I don't want to talk to you. Not now, not ever!"

"What is this about Kili? Let me fix it!" Fili stood again. Kili jumped up after him.

"Just leave me be…you… you Taragu Khulm!" Kili spat at his brothers face. if their mother had been there Kili would have probably be given quite a lashing with one of their mothers belts, then a few more when their uncle visited that night. Kili glared at his shocked brother. He had called him the worst insult he could think of, half-elf. He insulted their mothers honor, Filis royal blood, and their status as a pure blooded dwarrow. To someone of Durins line, especially Thorins nephew, it was a risk even thinking it.

Fili froze, truly hurt. One moment Kili was glaring up at his blonde brother the next there was a fist connecting with the young dwarrows face. Kili fell to floor; his nose was already dripping blood. "Stand Up!" Fili roared. Lion child indeed.

Kili stayed put on the ground, as long as he was on the floor he would be safe from his brothers blows, to kick a fallen opponent would dishonor one greatly and Fili was all about his honor. "No." Kili whimpered.

"Stand up!" Fili was nearly foaming at the mouth. "You speak the words of a one who is so grown up, will you not fight me like an adult!"

Kili began to cry, his older brother scared him when he was enraged. It was a secret fear of Thorin that their family curse had been passed down to his oldest nephew. "I will not, just leave me!"

Fili clenched his teeth and stamped his steal toed boots onto the rug covered floor. "Stand Kili!"

Kili slowly rolled into a standing position; he tried to make himself as small as possible. He regretted his words now more than anything. A fist slammed into his face again, but another hand held him standing. The youngest whimpered and sobbed, his lip was most certainly split; another punch to his stomach and diaphragm and a knee to the groin. He was released and he dropped the ground like a ton of lead. He sobbed into the floor. "I hate you brother!"

"At least now you have a reason!" his brother grabbed his collar and lifted his brothers face, he gripped it tightly in his hand and stared darkly into his eyes, Fili said nothing but through his brother back to the ground. He took a step away from his brother back towards his book, he would study elsewhere.

If Kili was a smarter lad he would have known to keep his mouth shut and to accept the beating and drop the matter, but this was not always the case with the sons of Durin for they were cursed with a stubbornness and hotheaded behavior that was melted into their very bones. "…you have all the strength of a aged she-elf whore if that is all you can do…" Kili cried out.

Fili froze in his tracks; Kili prayed to every god there was that their mother would walk in the door and save him. But she didn't. Fili turned slowly and looked down at his brother, his eyes were mad and teeth were clenched so tightly they might snap. Fili retook his step from his brother and delivered a heavy kick to Kilis ribs, then another and another, then a last to his face. Fili screamed at his sibling. The oldest dwarrow charged out of the house, leaving his younger brother crying on the floor. He was there alone for only minutes when an elderly Dwarrow; Kili did not know the name of but recognized through the tears as one of the healers, walked through the door. He bundled up Kili and carried him to his bed mumbling to the child. Kili was bandaged and covered in salves to keep the bruising down.

Dis returned some hours later to find the old medicine mad smoking his pipe at her dinner table, she was told about Kili however the healer avoided the specifics of who dealt out the punishment. Dis was at her sons' side in moments with a cup of sweet tea and a cloth. "My baby… what has happened to your darling face." Kili buried his swollen face into her bodice and sobbed nonsense apologies. "Where is your brother?" she asked. The older sibling should have protected Kili.

* * *

Fili ran from the house and straight to the healers' home, he pounded on the door wildly. His fists were covered in blood and his knuckles were split open, the toe of his right boot was shamefully colored red. The healer opened the door to find the rabid dwarrow youth begging him to go to his home and help his brother. The elder knew the Fili well, he had help bring him into the world, he grabbed his coat and rushed to the house of the Lady Dis. Fili had stayed behind in his home, sobbing on the bench covered in pillows. The healer feared what he would find.

Fili cried and cried into the wooded arm of the chair. He had beaten his baby brother bloody, he had kicked him when he was down, and for no reason other than a few insulting words. He was not fit to be a big brother. When he had run out of tears he finally felt the sting of his knuckles. He stood, finding a water basin and bandages he cleaned his hands and wrapped them the best he could. There was a mirror above the water and he gazed at himself. His eyes were swollen and his nose was red, snot and tears had soaked his beard and face. There was a smear of blood on his cheek though, Kilis blood. Fili quickly washed it off shamefully. It took every ounce of strength he had to not break the mirror. He began to violently tear at the red beads in his hair.

It was very late into the night and Dis had called Thorin to her and they were discussing what had happened to Kili and the possible whereabouts of the Fili when the he walked in the door his head bowed to his chest, not bothering to be quiet about it. His uncle and mother both stood swiftly, his mother called out his name. Fili didn't respond, he made his way to the room he shared with his brother, when he entered he saw the youngest was thankfully asleep.

From the front room Dis and Thorin could hear very little, but before they could follow the oldest boy he had returned carrying a heavy pile of all his gifts from the last couple of days. "What's this?" Dis asked as there oldest placed them by her feet. The heavy twin swords crashed against each other loudly. Fili was sobbing again as he dropped a small leather bag that held his beads on the floor. He lifted his other hand which held another small bag. Thorin took it, straining his eyes to see his nephews face, but it was dark and with nothing but a dying fire to light the room it was near impossible.

Thorin opened the bag and emptied the contents into his palm. Small blonde hairs floated delicately onto his palm. He stared in shock. "What have you don't boy." He grabbed Filis face in his hand dropping the bag of hairs on the floor. Filis face was shaved smooth but was devastated with small cuts and scrapes. He was sobbing again. Dis saw her sons bandaged knuckles and the older brother and sister quickly put together what had happened. They both stared at the boy as he fell to his knees in front of them, his head to the dirt crying loudly. Dis looked and saw Kili peeking out from his room but saw nothing.

"I kicked him! I kicked him when he was down!" the young heir cried,"I have dishonored my name and yours! I have hurt my own kin! I do not deserve these gifts because I am not yet mature enough to control my own self! I cannot be expected to protect others with my ancestors' swords!" Kili recited as if from a book, he had obviously been planning what he would say for a long while now.

Dis and Thorin looked down at the boy, neither with the heart not the imagination to conjure up a punishment worse than the boy had sentenced himself with. Thorin could cry, watching his heir sob on the floor, dishonored and shaven was more than he could bear. But there was little he could do to mend the broken relationship between the brothers. He saw Kili watching shamefully from the dark door way of his bedroom, hate was in his eyes but his face was contorted into a symbol of desperation. They all stood there for a long while all watching Fili cry on the floor. "I'll take him home. We need to have a talk in the morning, between dwarrows."

Thorin picked up the young dwarrow and carried him out the door. Dis turned her attention to the youngest son; it had not escaped her attention the way her youngest had begun to act around his sibling. She had not conceived that it would ever get so serious as this. "In the morning we are going to talk." She lifted the gifts from the floor. "go back to bed little one." And she was gone.

In the morning Kili told his mother everything, about how he had hated his brother and had enticed him and insulted him. His mother had nearly smacked his mouth when he told her what he had called Fili, but he had been beaten enough for now. She held her son close as he whispered apologies; she stroked his hair and cooed quietly. She apologized to him for the way he felt and she promised to never let Kili feel unloved again.

Fili did not return that day, nor the next day; Kili did not see hide nor hair of his brother for nearly a month. He missed him terribly and could hardly hold all of the apologies and admissions of guilt inside him. Every day he waited at the window watching to see his older brother walk down the path with their uncle. But every day the sun went down and Kili crawled into his bed and stared at the abandoned bed next to his. On the 42 day without his brother Fili finally returned to Kili. He didn't not speak to him as he entered the door; his beard had grown back but was being kept short as instructed. His hands were still bound tightly with bandages; they were the same stained ones Kili had seen on his hands when he had returned with his face cut and shaven. Fili crawled into his bed quietly. Dis watched her oldest son sadly, Thorin entered after Fili and sat with his sister. Kili didn't care about what he had to say, he followed his brother into their room and crawled into bed with him. he lay behind him quietly, braiding the back of his head, putting the red jewel beads back to their original places. His brother shook under his touch but didn't speak for until an hour later.

"I am sorry Kili."

"I am sorry to Fili."

"Men lananubukhs menu, nadad."

"Men lananubukhs menu" Kili replied. He hugged his brother from behind, holding him close as he could. "Menu denapdul." He whispered, "I was the one who was foolish."

Things were not immediately mended between the brothers; it took weeks for them to speak openly with each other even longer for laughter to return to the oldest, though he never returned to his old self. Months past and both of their scars had healed and vanished, Fili removed the bandages from his fists and Kili slept in his brothers bed every night, not yet willing to be separated from him again for any length of time. And each night the brother would tell each other they loved each other more than all the gold coins under Erebors ceilings.


	10. Thorin Wishes He Could Be A Tooth Fairy

Authors Note: (I feel like after that I really need to write more funny ones… this was not supposed to happen! Why must everything I write end up so angsty! I swear on my fathers' mighty moustache I will write at least 3 funny or cute chapters! And I apologize for all the errors in these… I usually write them later or after class and after going through with spell check I'm too tired to go over it again and look for misplaced words and such… I promise I do go back over them once their published and fix the ones I see. If you catch any feel free to tell me in the reviews… as long as you leave me a sufficient sacrifice and praise worthy of my splendor as well. I would also like everyone to know that his particular chapter is based 100% on a true story. Thanks dad. :/)

Current ages: Fili 15, Kili 10

"It hurts when I chew on this side of my mouth!" Kili muttered to his mother.

Dis didn't look up from her jewelry work. She had taken up the hobby making simple sets of jewelry the human women were quite obsessed with. They were cheap but anything made by a dwarrow could be sold at a high price. "Well then don't chew on that side…" she cursed as she dropped a small green bead. Neither of her boys moved to help her find it. Fili was watching his brother try an only chew his toast on the left side of his mouth. Something apparently very difficult for the boy.

"But Amad!" Kili whined. Dis ignored him. "Amad! Amad! Amad" he chanted. Fili snickered. "Dis!"

"What!" the dwarrowdam gave up what she was doing, it was obviously no use to try and do anything useful while the brothers were anywhere near her. "your mouth hurts on that side I know! What do you want me to do about it!"

Kili opened his mouth and stuck his figures in. "that's gross." Fili stared at his brother. He knew where KIlis hands had been recently and it was not a clean place.

"Look at it Amad!" Kili walked over to his mother with his mouth wide open. Dis rolled her eyes and peered into his mouth.

"Yep, you've got a rotten tooth." She tapped him on the nose. "No more sweets for you mister."

Kilis eyes opened wide. "My teeth aren't rotten! What's it mean?"

"It means you're going to die Kili!" Fili chanted, "It means it's begun! Our ancestors are displeased with your ugly face! Soon it will spread to your brain!" Fili snuck up close to his brother as he told his story. "YOU'RE TURNING INTO AN ORC!"

Kili screamed. "I am not! Amad tell him I'm not!" Dis just shrugged holding in laughter.

"It's true my love, soon your new orc family will be here to pick you up." Dis teased. She grabbed Kili and pulled him onto her lap. "I'm joking sweetheart." She kissed his head.

"Yeah, not even the orcs would want you." Fili smiled climbing on a chair next to his brother and mother. There was a knock at the door, the trio all gave a little jump, kili almost screamed.

"That's enough Fili." Dis chuckled as she kissed her youngest sons head and smoothed out his hair. "Go see who's at the door."

"Don't let the orcs take me!" Kili cried. "I'll be good."

Fili opened the door and in trod their uncle Thorin dragging a gutted carcass of a fat deer over his shoulder. Kili let out an even louder scream and his under his mother's skirts. Thorin looked around confused; he only saw his oldest nephew and gave him a perplexed look. "Kili thinks you're an orc come to take him." Fili laughed.

"I don't think the orcs would even want him." Thorin laughed. "Kili! Come out here you silly boy!" Thorin dropped the deer on the cutting board, though it was hardly a good fit. "Come give your old uncle a hug."

Kili crawled out from under the table and ran to his uncle. "Thorin!" he laughed and jumped into the large Dwarrows arms. "My mouth hurts when I chew on this side! Amad says my mouth is rotten." Kili confessed quickly.

Dis stood from her spot at the table and smiled at her brother. "He has a rotten tooth." She pet Kilis head. "I'll take him to the human town to have it removed…"

"Nonsense." Thorin stood up, picking up little Kili with him. Fili was already too large to lift with only one arm. "I can knock out a rotten tooth for free and just as well." He smiled. "What you say Kili?" he bounced the child on his hip making him laugh and giggle.

"Yeah! Uncle can do it!" Kili agreed.

Dis shook her head. "I would rather have a professional, the race of men I hear have people who make their living caring for teeth." It was a strange idea for a dwarrow, to make ones living caring for teeth. While they themselves had healers even they were multi skilled and spent most of their time learning and perfecting some kind of mineral craft. That and dwarrow teeth always grew back, thank Mahal, Thorin knew between he and Dwalin they had lost more than enough teeth just in the mines. They had both learned to dodge pick axes very quickly.

"I insist Dis." Thorin smiled at his youngest. "It's not like I haven't done this before… I'll be right back with my tools." Thorin placed the boy on the ground and jogged out of the house. Clearly very excited. Sadistic bastard.

"What's uncle going to do to Kili?" Fili asked. When his uncle got excited like he was it usually ended in some kind of bloodshed and laughter. Thorin was very fond of the 'if you can do it yourself for free why pay someone else to do it' thought possess. Not usually a bad idea in the world they lived in, but sometimes it got out of hand, like when Thorin tried to make his own clothes and wove his own hair into a tunic 3 sizes too small for him (ha had also sewn the sleeves to the bottom half of the garment instead of near the neck), or when he tried to pierce Dis' ears for another set of rings on her birthday, not only were the intended holes uneven but the one he did manage to make was so bruised and poorly done Dis had to let it close up and heal then try again later.

"Try not to move to much Kili." Dis placed her youngest in a chair. "Fili darling… would you go call the healer, were going to need some salt water and poppy powder."

Fili ran off quickly, he didn't want to miss what Thorin was going to do to Kili. He didn't get why Kili dint just wait till it fell out or yank it out himself. That's what Fili did when he had lost his milk teeth. He had placed them under his pillow and in the morning there had been small toy or a copper coin.

Thorin returned to the house while Fili was gone, but only moments before the oldest came in dragging the healer. In Thorins hands he held a small hammer and a chisel, usually used for engraving on stone or soft metal. He had a wicked smile on his face, like he had been dreaming of this moment for a long while. Kili pulled his legs up on the chair; he wished he had gone with Fili's idea of pulling the tooth out with a string attached to a door instead of crying to his mother. The healer rolled his eyes at the small family. He could retire on the money he made from treating the Durin line alone.

Thorin walked over to Kili. "Hold still…" Thorin opened the child's mouth and placed the sharp end of the chisel against the tooth, he lined up the hammer slowly testing the wait to the head of the length of iron.

"Never mind!" Kili knocked the chisel from his mouth and jumped away from his uncle. "It… it doesn't hurt and more…" he tried to laugh," all better." Thorin gave him an odd look.

"Don't be scared." He laughed. "I won't hurt you. I have done this many times on the road to my comrades."

"Nope." Kili was gone, he ran out the door screaming, followed by Fili who couldn't help but laugh. The three adults all looked at each other awkwardly before slowly walking out after the children. Kili was still in his night gown and was bare foot, he wouldn't get far.

And true enough they saw him run down the path from the door (Fili was watching him from a few feet in front of the door where the adults stood; he seemed to step on something sharp, a thorn perhaps. He hopped on one foot, still trying to run, tripped over a rock and wheeled his arms to try and keep balanced; failing he smacked face first into the truck of a tree. Kili quickly pulled himself up and a little dazed tried to continue his escape, but instead stepped on a rake, the wooded handle shot up and smashed into his nose; Kili cried out and shut his eyes holding his face. Unfortunately he had forgotten to stop trying to run and in his pain induced delirium ran straight into the stone fence built around their home, flipped over the edge and smacked his face right into a hard stone on the other side. Kili gave out the loudest cry they had heard since Fili had been a baby. The four, rather amused, dwarrows all jogged over to the youth. He was sitting on his rear smiling happily.

"Look!" he held up his hand and gave a bloody smile. "5 teeth!" there were large gaps in his smile. His front four teeth were missing. The last tooth obviously the rotten one from its brown color.

"Ew." Fili laughed. Thorin looked rather sad; as he slid his chisel and hammer into his pocket.


	11. Krull the Warrior King (Spawn Hammer)

(authors note: I feel like I need to explain my way of how the dwarves age. It is written in one of the books Tolkien wrote about them that the dwarves age quickly then stay in their prime for most of their lives then get old and die very quickly. So as I'm putting it dwarves reach physical maturity around age 25 the equivalent to physical age 21-22 in human years, but are not psychologically grown or experienced enough to be considered fully adult. I figure dwarves are thought of as grown when they are as skilled as any warrior, are a master of their craft, and can survive on their own in any condition. So I'm assuming it would take a long time. Fili and Kili are 82 and 77 in the book/movie Gimli is 15 years younger than Kili so I'm assuming the average 'adult' age for a dwarf is around 70, similar to the human 18, assuming that Fili and Kili have been independent for a few years. So while I might have a story with them at maybe 50 years old, they would still be just out of their teenaged years. I also have a thing about dwarf mothers liking to keep their babies close to them forever and since dwarf women are not to be fucked with, not one tells them to let go and their babies to scared to leave.

Birth- 17 : preteen

17-30 : teenaged

30-50: early twenties

50-70: mid/late twenties/full adulthood )

Fili aged 13

Kili aged 8

Thorin looked down at his two nephews. And they stared back up at him shakily. Thorin didn't want to be here, hes rather be anywhere than here. Hed prefure to be fighting the dragon that took his home alone than face his two little nephews with, _the talk_. Dwarrows were a conservative race, things like sex and love were not taken lightly and it made it all that much more awkward to talk about seriously. Thorin himself found himself extremely in experienced, he was unwed and a prince. While Erebor had stood he had been betrothed to a sweet Lady Dwarrow but she had been lost in the fire, but he had never gotten farther than kissing the back of her hand and once on her lips. Thorin ran his hands over his face and pulled at his beard. It bothered him a little that his oldest nephew at the age of 13 now matched him in experience. It hadn't been serious of course, but it had happened. How had his own father put it?

"You see boys… dwarrows are like swords and dwarrowdams are like sheaths… and when the dwarrow puts his sword in her sheath… another sword or a sheath comes out and-" this was all wrong. The boys just looked more confused.

An hour ago there had been a knock at the door and when Thorin had answered it he was presented with Fili. The young dwarrow was all red and smiles, besides being held by the ear by an older dwarrow about the size of Dwalin. Thorin didn't know the dwarrow but his mind instantly began to think of as many apologies as possible. Kili popped his head around Thorins legs, the youngest had been under house arrest for the past 3 days for a prank involving flower.

"Is this your nephew?" the large dwarrow growled. Thorin nodded and pulled the blonde to him.

"What did he do…?"

"I found him behind my shop… with my daughter-"Thorin tensed, his eyes shot down to the dopey child,"-...kissing her straight on the mouth."

Thorin opened his mouth and let as many apologies as he could manage, he promised the dwarrow compensation for the violation to his daughter, credit to the forge, anything. The dwarrow simply glared at Thorin with a scowl. He turned and walked away without a word. Leaving Thorin with his nephews, Dis was away with gossiping with her friends. Mahal help him. Thorin pushed the boys down into chairs, took a seat opposite them and they hadn't moved since. Fili still smirked proudly.

Thorin gave up trying to plan an attack and just went for it. "Why did you kiss that girl Fili?"

"She asked me to. She said I was the most handsome dwarrow shed ever seen." Fili sighed. Thorin didn't know how that could be true since the youngster was still covered in baby fat, had dirt on his face, had knots in his hair, and wore a small step above rags for clothes.

"Do you know what kissing is?" Thorin asked the older.

Except Kili answered. "Kissing is yucky!" he chirped.

"No its not!" Fili muttered. "It was nice…"

Thorin rolled his neck. "ok boys, I'm going to tell you both something very important so you have to pay attention…" Thorin didn't know where to go from there. He stared at the boys again. "you cant go kissing girls Fili, even if they ask you…"

"Why not." The older glared at his uncle.

"Well… it's not proper for a young dwarrow like yourself to…"

"but you give us kisses all the time." Kili laughed. "Are you sure you know what you're talking about?" the younger laughed louder.

Thorin pulled at his hair angrily, why was this so difficult! "That's different Kili! I'm your family…"

"How's it different?" Fili asked, genuinely interested. "Is it like how amad and adad would kiss?"

"Yes! Yes! That's the difference!" Thorin hoped he would get this over with, bless his oldest nephew's intelligence,"you can only kiss girls after you've married them!" he smiled. Hopefully that would be the end of it. Fili however looked as though he was analyzing this new information carefully.

"Why do people get married…" Fili asked.

Thorin let out a long sigh. "Because they love each other…"

"Then I should marry Fili!" Kili laughed hugging his brother tight; Fili laughed and hugged the younger closer.

"NO! No… no, you can't marry your brother Kili, it's not that kind of love… its different." Thorin knew he'd have to tell them eventually but he would stall damn it for as long as possible.

"You're not telling us something uncle!" Fili growled. "What is it!"

Thorin thought about it for a moment, then let gave in. "When a dwarrow loves another, they get feelings, deep inside." He placed his hand on his belly. For a moment he wondered if they knew the real difference between male and female. "Do you know what makes me and your mother different?

"She's our amad and you're not?" Kili guessed. Thorin felt himself glad that the darker nephew wasn't the immediate heir to his throne.

"no not like that Kili. Your amad is female; she can make babies and bring them into the world." Thorin spoke very slowly. "Do you remember Fili, when your brother was born."

The older nodded. "Amad pooped him out, she screamed for the entire night." Fili laughed.

"She did not poop me out!" Kili swatted at his brother.

"She did I watched"

"Do you know how Kili got in there?" Thorin asked hopefully. No such luck. "Well…" Thorin couldn't find the words. "your Amad and Adad loved each other very much, and they would… share special kisses…" Thorin really didn't want to think about his sisters sex life. "And then your adad would put his… he would give… ugh…." Thorin had no words. "When they shared their special kiss it would make a baby dwarrow inside your amad."

"Is that why Fili can't kiss girls? He's goanna put a baby in them" Kili questioned.

"Wait a minute!" Fili crossed his arms. "How does kissing make a baby?"

"Well there's much more than kissing…" Thorin shifted. The boys kept asking questions.

"Why did amad poop me out?"

"Where was Kili inside amad?"

"Why did adad put me in there?"

"How did Kili get in there?"

"Will we have to put babies in girls?"

"How do we put babies in girls?"

"Why is it only amad that can have babies?"

"What does this have to do with the swords and sheaths?"

Thorin waved his arms around getting the boys attention back, he had run out of patience. "Your Adad and amad would take off all their clothes and then they would kiss- you following?- and then your adad would put a baby in your amad with his…" Thorin tried to think of the right word so it wouldn't confuse the boys. Penis was technical and he would have to explain it more anyway… and trouser dragon was a put vague as were cock, pecker, dick, thing, member, unit, shaft, package, prick, wang, schlong, meatstick, pork sword, meat thermometer, love muscle, third leg, beef bayonet, tally whacker, skin flute, one eyed monster, and impalor; Thorin found himself listing every word he had ever heard for it that he could think of. "-with his dwarrowhood." It was more of a question though, Thorin had never heard it being called that before but it seemed the most modest choice.

"His what?"

Why mahal why! "It's the thing you use to go pee." Thorin spoke quickly to make it seem like it didn't matter.

"You pee in a girl to make a baby!" stupid kili jumping to conclusions.

"No, no!" Thorin corrected. "You use that but instead… something else comes out…"

"Where does it come from?" Fili asked.

"That place between your legs that hurts when you get hit there." The boys nodded understandingly.

"So…" Fili sorted through the information in his head. "You take your clothes off, and kiss a girl… you take your thingy-" damn it thingy would have worked,"- and put it… where?..."

"A special place between her legs where babies come from." Thorin was so drained from trying to explain he just let it flow and it felt much simpler.

"And then stuff comes out of you that is not pee and then there's a baby?" Kili finished.

"This makes no since…" Fili gave up. "Why would you do that? It sounds weird." He raised an eye brow," I think your tricking us!"

"You do it because it's what you do when you love, and it feels really good… it's pleasurable." Thorin knew he was bright red.

"I don't believe you!"

"Have you ever done it uncle?" Fili asked. "If it's so nice why haven't you put a baby in a woman."

Thorin shifted. "I haven't gotten round to it yet…" he mumbled.

Just then Dis walked in the door. "Amad! Uncle is lying to us! He's says adad put his thingy in you and made you poop out a baby from your special place! And there is also a sword and a sheath!"

Dis nearly dropped everything she held in her arms; her eyes drifted over to Thorin who shot up to explain what had happened with Fili and the dwarrow girl and how they had gotten to this point.

"You buffoon!" dis gave his head a smack. "Complicating things for them." She knelt down in front of her sons. " now boys your uncle was telling the truth, you understand, but you can only do it if your married, or else you turn into an orc or an elf!" she put a hand on each boys face "and you will break your mothers heart."

"We promise not to amad!"

"I'll never do it! Elves are yucky!" Kili cried hugging his mother. The boys hugged her close.

Thorin watched still shaking from the experience; he couldn't stop the list running through his head. The Pleasure Pump was a good one he hadn't thought of before.


	12. Thorins List of Names

The preceding are all the different names that went through Thorins mind while trying to explain sex to his nephews. This list is the result of a collaboration between several great minds. Enjoy.

Albino Cave Dweller

baby-arm

baby-maker

baloney pony

beaver basher

beef whistle

bell on a pole

bishop

boomstick

braciole

bratwurst

candle

choad

chopper

chub

chubby

cock

cranny axe

cum gun

custard launcher

dagger

deep-V diver

dick

dickie

dipstick

dog head

dong

donger

dork

dragon

drum stick

fang

ferret

fire hose

flesh flute

flesh tower

froto

fuck rod

fudge sickle

fun stick

hog

hose

junk

kickstand

knob

krull the warrior king

lap rocket

leaky hose

lizard

longfellow

love muscle

love rod

love stick

manhood

meat constrictor

meat injection

meat popsicle

meat stick

meat thermometer

member

middle stump

Moisture and heat seeking venomous throbbing python of love

mushroom head

mutton

netherrod

old boy

old fellow

old man

one-eyed monster

one-eyed snake

one-eyed trouser-snake

one-eyed wonder weasel

one-eyed yogurt slinger

pecker

peepee

pink oboe

piss weasle

plug

poinswatter

pork sword

prick

private eye

private part

purple-headed yogurt flinger

purple-helmeted warrior of love

quiver bone

rod of pleasure

roundhead

sausage

schlong

schlong dongadoodle

shaft

short arm

single barrelled pump action bollock yogurt shotgun

skin flute

soldier

spawn hammer

stick shift

Tallywhacker

Tan Bannana

tassle

third leg

thumper

thunderbird

thundersword

tinker

tonk

tool

trouser dragon

trouser snake

tubesteak

twig (& berries)

twinkie

vein

wand

wang

wang doodle

wanger

wee wee

whoopie stick

wick

wiener

willy

wing dang doodle

winkie

yogurt gun

EDIT (Continued):

The D

Vitamin D

Get Right

Ouch-maker

Love Ladel

Knife

Pile Driver

Meat Flute

Flesh Flute

Hustle Muscle

Magic Stick

Longshanks

Slime spitting flesh monster

Dick stick make it quick

Trouser tumor

Mr. Long skin

Pump action protein shake dispenser

Hump lump

Flesh bat with balls included

helmet

crafty butcher

Meat and two veg

tooter moose

Bloodhorn

Dirty Hairy

Trouser Trout

Ace in the hole

All-day sucker

Apple headed monster

Bald-headed yogurt slinger

Blood engorged mayonnaise cannon

Boneless beef

Chowder dumper

Clam digger

Custard cannon

Danger the one-eyed ranger

Danglin' furry

Foaming beef probe

Gleaming love sword

Glo Worm

He who must be obeyed

Hymen hammer

Jizz whiz

Lady dagger

Lance of love

Leather lollipop

Love muscle

Magenta mushroom

Man in the pink helmet

Mr. Bobo

Mushroom-tipped love dart

Nut cannon

One-eyed wonder worm

One-eyed trouser trout

Protein spigot

Purple-helmeted soldier of love

Slippery love dolphin

Third arm of justice

Throbbing purple pneumatic drill of love

Upright citizen

Uterus unicorn

Vaginal depth detector

Veinous maximums

Weapon of ass destruction

Winky the milk spitting tunnel ferret


	13. Royal Dessert

Dis was absolutely terrified. She had never held anything so small, so fragile in her life. And she had no idea how to care for it. when she had been a girl in Erebor she had be taught how to walk, eat, speak, and think like a princess, she knew princess things like knitting, making jewelry, poetry, and painting. She had never gotten round to her maternal lessons, she would only have been taught the basics anyway; never in her life would she have been expected to change a diaper, bathe the child, to care for it day and night. She had few female friends and she was the only one who had children.

Dis stared down at the small bundle in her arms. The medicine man had explained to her that she was to feed the child with her breasts like some common animal. She had cringed at the idea, she would have had a wet nurse to do that for her in Erebor, a big plump dwarrowdam who would take the child when it cried and return it satisfied and happy. Dis feared her breasts would sag and lose their perkiness; her husband might begin to think her ugly. The small child she had called Fili opened his large blue eyes and stared at her expectantly, like he was judging her for not knowing exactly what to do with him. His face squinted and he started to gurgle. Dis took this as a sign that he was going to cry soon. She looked around her room nervously, silently wondering if the medicine man might have been tricking her. She consciously dropped one side of her night gown and exposed her breast. "Okay Fili, you got to help me out here…"

The second his mother's nipple was within reach Fili was clinging and suckling on her like a baby should. Dis looked down at him and laughed. It felt weird for sure, she felt warm and overwhelmed with the love she felt for this small creature at her chest. She pet at his round cheek and smiled. "My sweet baby boy… beautiful little boy…" she felt tears welling up in her eyes, as she watched the baby nurse. She didn't know how long she sat there with him but suddenly there was a knock at the door, without thinking she called them in.

"Dis are you all-"Thorin walked in the room, he had volunteered for Dagur to check on Dis while he worked the forge. He wasn't prepared to see his sister topless nursing her new born son. He froze unsure of what to do.

Dis jumped aware of what had shocked him and pulled a blanket over Fili, she blushed and laughed awkwardly. "Hello brother… I am well…" she shifted.

Thorin looked all around the room, anywhere but his sister's face. "And Fili?"

"Hungry." She laughed. "I think he's done, will you hold him for a moment?" Thorin took a step forward and held out his arms for the child, averting his eyes as his sister covered herself. "I'm going to go wash up, if you would watch him for a moment Thorin." Dis slipped in to the washroom and closed the door behind her.

Thorin held Fili at arm's length and the two stared at each other, Fili frowning and judging his uncle. Before Thorin could speak Fili let out a small hiccup, then another and another. It made Thorin smile and he held the child closer and bounced him on his lap a little. Fili laughed then threw up all over Thorins chest.

The elder dwarf stared down at his nephew whose face was covered in a sticky while liquid, as was his tunic. Babies where discussing.


	14. Silver Fox of the Blue Mountians

Thorin didn't like to think he was old, mostly because he wasn't, he was in his prime. He was tall and strong as a bull, he had proved his worth time and time again, and he stood unchallenged against all. But when he was around his nephews who were so full of energy and life he found after a while it was hard to keep up. They would run and get lost, he would search for them up and down the slopes of Erid Luin and then once more, only to find them curled up in a blanket when he returned home at dawn fearing the worst. They would set fires in the forge they couldn't put out or knock over heavy steel weapons and avoid being skewered because Thorin would notice just in time. Sometimes they would even bring home wild rabid things and try and keep them as pets in their room, until they escaped and destroy the living room. The boys fell from roofs, in front of carriages, into mines, off pony's, and over cliffs, and often into piles of poison nettles. They got sick for days and they cried and fought and argued with even simple demands, they refused to go to bed at night and woke before the sun even dared to lift its head. And after nearly a fourth of a century of this Thorin still didn't feel old.

"Uncle Thorin?" the youngest now at 20 years asked. "You're old right?"

"Who says that?" Thorin looked up from his pipe and book by the fire place. His oldest nephew sat at his feet memorizing battle strategies from his feet.

"No one really… I was just wondering…" Kili looked around awkwardly.

Thorin took the bait. "Why do you ask Kili." Thorin glared at the youngest, the older allowing himself to be distracted from his boring task. Kilis mouth glued itself shut and he smiled, hardly holding in a laugh. The boys locked eyes for a moment and Thorin watched as the brothers communicated in the possibly telepathic way they often did. Kili tugged at a strand of hair at the top of his head. Filis eyes drifted to Thorin and he snorted loudly. Thorin glared at the two awaiting an answer.

"No reason uncle…"

"Fili." Thorin looked to the oldest. "What is your brother talking about." Fili looked to his book innocently.

"I'm not sure uncle, he must be mad." He smiled at his brother, "perhaps I should take him to the chicken coup and put him out of his misery…"

"I am not a chicken!" Kili growled.

"Boys!" Thorin stopped the teasing before it turned into a wrestling match then onto a full on brawl. "Fili if you wouldn't tease your brother so I could die a happy dwarrow."

Kili whispered," good thing we won't have to wait too long…"

"I could have you beheaded for that." Thorin muttered to his nephew. Speaking of the death of the king, even if it was by natural causes, technically counted as treason.

"Like a chicken." Fili whispered to his brother.

"Not a chicken!" Kili yelled and launched a small stone at his brother from who knew where.

Thorin shook his head hopelessly. "I am done with this game Kili… why do you ask about my age?"

"He just want to tease you about your hair, uncle." Fili hurled the small stone back at his brother; it hit him in the chest with a small thump.

"My hair?"

"You're going gray uncle." Fili smiled up at him. "In the front on the left... There are a few silver hairs." Fili pointed to the spot on his own head. Thorin reached up and pulled the hair in front of his eyes. There hung 3 or 4 thick white hairs.

"Would you like your coffin to be oak or pine?" Kili laughed as Thorin stared in disbelief.

Suddenly Thorin started to feel not so young.


	15. How Far We've Come

Thorin and Dis sometimes spoke of the differences between Fili and Kili, if not for any other reason than to remind themselves that the brothers were not one being but two. For example, Fili had been the fattest baby anyone had ever scene. He had been huge for a newborn and had stayed that way. Hid arms and legs were so round that he had trouble moving and his fingers couldn't make complete fists, but he was sturdy. One day at only 9 months old, early for even a human child, he simply stood up and walked to Thorin who had been watching him play on a blanket. Thorin had been so shocked he hadn't been able to call Dis to see her sons' first steps till after the babe had fallen down in his rear with a squeal. Filis belly was always full and round, one of Thorin's favorite things to do was to pull up the boy's shirt and blow raspberries on his fat belly. The baby would squeal and kick with laughter and Thorin couldn't help the giant smile on his face.

Kili was entirely different. It's hard to believe that the terror he had become had started off so small and so quiet. He had been a born a bit early and it had been difficult for Dis, the entire pregnancy had taken everything out of her. When Kili had been born Thorin had feared he had been born dead because he hadn't cried, not a sound. Kili had been so small Thorin had refused to hold him until he was a few months old out of fear his big clumsy hands out breaking him. No matter how much he was feed he always was to skinny. His ribs always showed and limbs lacked the childish roundness. He did not gain his wild temperament until he was well into his second year. And even then he was still too small for his age, and Thorin found he could not play with him as he had his older nephew. Thorin had had no problem tossing Fili in the air and on to the bed, he didn't panic when the boy fell on his face or out of a tree, with Kili he and Dis feared a strong gust of wind would blow him away.

And now that the boys were older and almost physically mature, Thorin and Dis still saw the same difference between the boys. Fili had grown up like his grandfather and uncle. He was calmer and more collected. While just as brave as Kili he did not jump at the idea of taking risks for the sake of it, instead centered himself into his studies and his crafts. He had quickly learned to master anything with a blade very young and could recite poetry, stories, songs, and all the important dwarrows alive and dead. Kili had learned how to hunt and track, he was small and so he was quiet. Fili claimed he had seen his brother creep up on a deer, so close he had reached out and touched it before it knew he was there. Kili was fast and quick with his words, where his brother was careful Kili was head strong. He jumped into everything he did quickly and moved on to his next task immediately after. Where his older brother was strong as a bull Kili was swift like a fox. Together the brothers could over power any of their weaponry teachers, including Dwalin, and with Kilis silver tongue and his brother's intelligence they could out smart any philosopher.

Thorin smiled at the brothers as they attempted their skill at building scale models of boats, not something a dwarrow particularly took time to learn but the boys had seen a human vessel on the water during a trip to the harbor and had become obsessed. If the humans could do it so could the dwarrows. Kili chattered to his brother about becoming a pirate and sailing all the oceans, Fili was planning to create the first dwarrow Navy. His thinking was that if dwarrow security guards and dwarrow made goods were in so high demand; why not expand on a more international scale? A trading fleet with naval security would defiantly give his people a few more footholds in much needed trade.

Dis walked out with a tray of food, some meat and cheese and bread. Thorin took his share and watched as the brothers took theirs. As Kili ate quickly Fili slowly chewed his and when Kilis plate would begin to empty he would push a hunk of cheese or meat on his little brothers plate, always so concerned that he was getting enough to eat. Fili would have to learn to stop doing that, Kili was grown enough now and food was precious. Fili would need all the strength he could get.

"Boys, why don't you explain this boat idea of yours to the council?" Dis smiled proudly. Her boys were both so clever, they hadn't yet left the safety of the family group and she was already so proud of them. Fili, her big strong boy, could break a log of wood as think as her neck in half with his hands, he could chop down a tree with three swings of an axe, he could swing a hammer on an anvil with such accuracy and quickness even the older smiths were impressed, and he was always so good to her. He volunteered to help her in the house and brought her gifts from the market. Whenever he thought his mother was tired he would take over and care for her; just as he cared for his brother and uncle. Dis had often seen Fili pull a blanket over his uncle when he often fell asleep in his chair in front of the fire after a day at the forge, Fili had taken up work as a blacksmith and a jeweler so his uncle wouldn't have to work so hard to support all of them when Dis's jewelry failed to sell quick enough. Thorin had no idea that once when he had been deathly sick it had been Fili who had every day traveled to the root of the mountain to the town of men and had traded furs and valuables to the medicine man for a cure that had come from far away; he had don't this for nearly a month before Thorin was well enough for common medicine.

"I don't know amad…" Kili muttered, turning the boat around in his hands. "Do you really think they would care?"

"I think they would." She smiled.

"I prospect of increased wealth and trading routes via ocean should get their attention for at least a moment, little brother." Fili took the ship back from Kili and carved off a small knot on the bow.

"Do you ever not think in smart words?"

"You should know your brother has a politicians mind by this time-" Thorin laughed,"-always full with ulterior motives."

Kili gave his brother a wary glance. Dis patted his dark messy head. Kili, her sweet beautiful baby boy, he planted a embarrassing loud kiss on his head; Kili swatted her away playfully and let out a whine. Dis didn't know what she would do without Kili, he where his brother was strong and noble Kili was kind and passionate. He would go out hunting every other day and bring back meat from the hills, some he would sell some he would give to his family. He had taken a liking to the kitchen and when his mother wasn't looking would bake sweet cakes and meat pies for his family. When his mother was feeling poorly he would cuddle up to her in bed and brush her hair and chatter on about his day or about whatever was on his mind. He would listen for hours about his mother's gossip and let her complain about how difficult it was for her living like a peasant. Kili would remind her that she was a princess. And he kept his uncle young and on his toes. Thorin had once told Dis that he had no time to become old and tired, he had no such luxury while Kili was his nephew. Thorin was continuously stopping Kili from getting in over his head and kept him focused instead on a few tasks he could do extremely well instead of a little of everything. Kili had grown large besides his anemic beginnings, he was tall and lanky, but strong, no one could through a spear or a knife as far as he could and no one could climb rock walls and quickly. He lacked the bulky weight that other dwarrows did; and he as silent as a mouse when he wanted to be, which made him dangerous to all around him.

"I do not have ulterior motives uncle." Fili face gave his grandfather's scowl.

"Believe what you want little one," Thorin blew a few smoke rings with a smile," someday you will be king and will have the council scrambling." He laughed. He should probably warn the old council that he was planning to bring his oldest nephew along to learn, but he fancied a laugh and wanted to watch them squirm.

"I think you'd be a fantastic pirate Kili, and i think we could do some profitable business." Fili laughed. "You may raid pillage and plunder all other vessels accept mine and keep half all treasure found, in return your ships will keep mine safe."

"…Ulterior motives…" Thorin whispered quietly.


	16. Fuck

Baby Dwarrows learned things quickly since they aged to quickly in comparison to their life span, a normal baby dwarrow would be almost completely fluent by age 2 or 3, their first words being spoken just before or after they turned 1, and by 5 speak and understand words just as well as someone 3 times their age, of course this also meant they picked up words very quickly. An adult dwarrow with children would have to be very careful about the words they used around a child because it was very likely it would be repeated and used immediately after.

Dis was away in the markets spending the money Thorin worked so hard to earn; hopefully she was just buying food as she had promised and Dagur was working in the mines. Fili was only a month away from his first birthday. Thorin looked down at the fat child sitting on a fur rug, the child stared back; a stream of drool ran down the side of his mouth. Then it squealed and smacked his hands onto the floor around him. Fili got a small cloth doll in his hands and launched it at Thorin, except he forgot to let go just dropped it on the ground. Thorin chucked. Stupid baby. Thorin went back to his book and pipe and ignored the child letting it do want pleased it, which wasn't much. He didn't notice when baby Fili began to wobble over to the fire on his fat little legs, nor did he notice as the he reached out to grab one of the bright red logs, he did however notice when Fili let out a high pitched scream. Thorin swooped in and grabbed Fili from the fire in a panic. The boy seemed unhurt; thank Mahal, though his fat little hand was a little red.

"Damn it Fili!" Thorin cursed under his breath as he carried his nephew to the water basin to cool off the screaming child's hand. "…Fucking hell…" He growled as the child continued to scream. "Its going to be okay Fili!" Thorin held the boys hand in the cold water, quickly looking around for a place Dis might keep the burn salve. "Fuck… fuck… fuck…" Filis hand was starting to blister. The child continued to scream its little heart out.

Almost two hours later Fili had tired himself out and had fallen asleep; Thorin had found the salve in his sister's room and had bandaged his nephew's hand. He would be okay; it would just hurt for a while. He held the babe in his lap as it slept. He had no idea how he was going to explain this to his sister, Dagur might understand, Dis would certainly disembowel him.

"Thorin im home!" Dis pushed herself through the door dragging a few baskets of food with her. "How's my-"she caught sight of Filis hand. "What. Did. You. Do."

"Dis… I can explain-"Thorin stood with Fili handing the child to his sister in surrender.

"Your let him gets hurt!"

"He crawled into the fire and-"

"HE CRAWLED INTO THE FIRE!"

"He only put his hand in for a second and i-"

"WHY WERENT YOU WATCHING HIM!" Dis' yelling woke the small child. Fili blinked up at his mother and smiled. His hand had long since gone numb thanks to the salve. He reached his arms up to his mother and smiled. Dis was busy glaring at her bother to notice the child in her arms actions.

"Dis please…" Thorin shuffled his feet. "He's going to be okay, it's only a little burn, Mahal knows he'll have plenty in his life." Thorin eyed the baby in his sister's arms. Fili was letting out whines of annoyance at being ignored by his mother while she held him.

Then he spoke, it was loud and clear. "Fuck!" Fili glared at his mother.

Dis froze and stared down at her boy. "What did you say sweetheart?"

Fili laughed now that he had his mother's attention, he dripped her hair in his fists and shook them wildly. "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!" the baby screamed again and again with a laugh.

"Thorin Oakenshield!" Dis growled at her bother. "What have you done!"

Thorin backed away from her and retreated out the door.


	17. Bitch

Fili sat on the floor with his little brother as his uncle Thorin sat at the dining table with his cousin Dwalin. The giant dwarrow often came to visit their family and every time he would treat Fili like a child and talk to him like he was stupid, the worse was whenever Fili would try and talk to him and tell him he didn't like it he would laugh and pat his head calling him cute. Fili didn't like Mister Dwalin much, especially when he and Thorin got really drunk and loud so he couldn't sleep. They were talking loudly about old times and battles; there were tankard of ale between them that had refiled at least 3 times already. Kili was staring at them curiously, possibly hypnotized by Dwalin's shiny tattooed head. Fili crashed his toys together violently. Kili began to crawl a little closer to the grown-ups at the table, there was something on Dwalins boot, and he wanted. Fili sighed and dragged his brother back to where they had been told to play. "We need to stay here Kili."

Kili whined as he was pulled away from his target but stayed with his brother. Fili pretended to play with his toys as he listened to the dwarrows at the table.

"-And he head came clean off! Just like that! Flew twenty feet into the hair and landed right on a spike!"Dwalin and Thorin let out loud drunken laughs. Fili winced; he didn't like how loud they were. "And then everyone around started chanting Khozoh!"

Thorin coughed into his tankard with a laugh. "Khozoh!" he and Dwalin began to laugh and chant the word over and over. Fili remembered it as meaning Hero, though he was told he wasn't allowed to say words like that until he understood their purpose.

"Fools the lot of them!" Thorin laughed. "Did they not realize you were only there because you had planned to rob them?"

"No!" Dwalin roared. "The best part is that that son of a bitch didn't even see it coming!"

Thorin flinched. "Shhh…" he got close to Dwalin,"watch your tongue, if Dis hears you say things like that…"

"Like what?"

"Like what you said."

"Son of a Bitch?"

"Yes that…"

"Why can't I say it? Son of a Bitch! Son of a Bitch!" Dwalin laughed. "Dis is not where near enough to hear by friend."

"No, the walls they have ears…" Thorins eyes drifted to his nephews who looked up innocently at their elders.

"The lads? Fili my boy! You know not to repeat anything you hear to your mother don't you!" Dwalin gave a drunken laugh. "She's have our beards!"

"Yes Mister Dwalin." Fili bowed his head. He was getting increasingly more and more annoyed at his Uncle and Mister Dwalin.

"See there's no problem."

"Kili however-"Thorin looked at his smallest nephew. His youngest nephew was already a year and a half and should have begun to speak months ago, Thorin believed due to his small size he was just a little late. It wasn't like the boy wasn't vocal, he always bubbling and making noises, they just weren't words.

Fili went back to playing with his brother grumbling a little annoyed. He didn't like being talked to like a child. He looked back to the table then to his brother. He whispered to Kili. "If we say what they say to Amad they will get into trouble." He looked around again. "Uncle! I'm gonna go take a nap with Kili!" Fili lifted his brother the best he could. Thorin nodded and watched as the older dragged the younger into his bedroom.

"Strange boys you got there." Dwalin snickered. Thorin snorted in reply.

Inside the room Fili stared at his brother who sat wide eyed on the bed. "Do you want to learn a word?" Kili stared blankly at his brother. His mother and Uncle didn't know Kili had actually began to speak a little, he could say the words Fili, Food, Tree, Toy and Play quite well; it's just the grown-ups just never paid them any attention to notice. Fili snickered, he was going to get uncles friend in so much trouble. "Bitch. Kili can you say Bitch?"

Kili laughed loudly. And shook his fists excited at his new game. "Bitch Kili, come one." Fili repeated the word over and over again, he knew it worked with some kinds of birds and hoped it would work for his brother. Almost an hour later his brother started to catch on to what his brother wanted; his moved his mouth mimicking his brothers. And finally he repeated. He laughed and screamed it. Fili grinned, revenge was sweet. Now all he had to do was wait for his mother to come home and hour later. The second Dis stepped through the door her oldest son was dragging her to his room telling her Kili had spoken. Thorin and Dwalin were out on the steps smoking their pipes and talking loudly.

Dis followed Fili into the small room. "What did he say?" she asked, Fili was a good enough actor to look sheepish.

"A grown-up word amad!" Fili sat next to Kili and whispered. "Okay brother, don't let me down."

Dis knelt down a worried look on her face, "What kind of grown up word?"

Kili chirped up the second he saw his mother's face level with his own. "Bitch!" he laughed and started spewing out every word he had learned yet. Dis stared in shock, Fili laughed uncontrollably. He watched as his mother walked out of his room and out of the house. He could hear her yelling at uncle and Dwalin. He hugged his brother tightly.

"Fili bitch!" Kili laughed pulling his brothers hair.


End file.
